A summary of the book
“12 Rules For Life”
by Jordan B. Peterson
RULE #1: STAND UP STRAIGHT WITH YOUR SHOULDERS BACK
You’ve probably heard of the phrase, “the pecking order,” right? But do you know where it originated?It comes from the Norwegian zoologist Thorleif Schjelderup-Ebbe, who was studying barnyard chickens in the 1920s when he noticed that there was a clear hierarchy among these birds. At the top were the healthiest, strongest ones that always got to peck first when the chicken feed came. At the bottom were the weakest chickens, with their feathers falling out, who only got to peck at the leftover crumbs.
Pecking orders like this aren’t limited to chickens;
they occur naturally throughout the animal kingdom. Lobsters, for instance, whether they’re in the ocean or raised in captivity, will aggressively fight over the best and most secure spots for shelter.
Scientists have found that these competitive conflicts will lead to the winners and losers having different chemical balances in their brains. Winners will have a higher ratio of the hormone serotonin to octopamine, while the ratio in losers will tilt in the opposite direction.
As you may have guessed, similar hierarchies and cycles of winning and losing play out among humans. Studies have shown that those in the grips of alcoholism or depression are less likely to enter a competitive situation, which only reinforces more inactivity and continued low self-esteem and depression.
Conversely, those on a winning streak often present a swaggering and confident body language, which can help them keep their streak alive. Humans are constantly measuring themselves up against each other, and we associate a person’s intelligence with their physicality.
So if you’re trying to give yourself an advantage, follow the first rule: hold your head high and strike the posture of a winner.(1)
RULE #2: TREAT YOURSELF LIKE SOMEONE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HELPING.
If your dog was sick and the vet prescribed it medication, you wouldn’t second-guess the doctor and leave the prescription unfilled would you? And yet, one-third of people ignore the medical prescriptions they’re given by doctors, which begs the question: why do we take better care of our pets than ourselves?
Part of the reason is that, because we’re always conscious of our own flaws, we feel self-loathing, which, in turn, can lead to unnecessary self-punishment and a sense that we’re unworthy of feeling good. Thus, we take better care of others than ourselves.
This duality of nature can also be seen in Eastern philosophy as well, and represented in the two sides of the Yin-Yang symbol: there’s a light and a dark side, yet both sides contain a portion of the other within them, and neither can exist without the other.In this scenario, harmony is achieved by finding the healthy balance between light and dark, and one should strive not to go too far in either direction.
So, look after yourself, but don’t fight against chaos, as this is an unwinnable fight. And rather than only doing what makes you happy, try to do what is best for you.(1)
RULE #3: MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BEST FOR YOU.
In a workplace setting, if an underachiever is put into a team of high performers, the manager might think that this will result in the problematic employee picking up good habits from the others. But studies have shown that the opposite is more likely to happen, and the bad habits will start to spread and bring down everyone’s performance.
Being picky about your friends is a smart move and is not selfish or snobby. Supportive and encouraging friendships run both ways: when you need a boost, they’ll be there for you, and if your friend needs help to rebound from a setback or make an improvement, you’ll be there for them.
You’ll know you have good friends when they don’t tolerate your wallowing in negativity; they’ll want what’s best for you, so they’ll encourage you to snap out of it and get back on track.(1)
RULE #4: COMPARE YOURSELF TO WHO YOU WERE YESTERDAY, NOT WHO SOMEONE ELSE IS TODAY.
There is always someone better than you at something. This brings us to the issue of self-criticism. Now, it’s important to be critical of one’s self – if we weren’t then we’d have nothing to strive for, no motivation to better ourselves and our lives would quickly become meaningless. Self-criticism can get ugly when it becomes all about comparing ourselves to others. When this happens, we quickly lose sight of our progress.
First of all, this leads to thinking in black-and-white terms: we’ve either succeeded or failed. This prevents us from seeing the incremental improvements that are often small, but nonetheless important. Comparisons also lead to losing sight of the big picture by focusing on a single aspect of our lives and blowing it out of proportion.
This is why the fourth rule is to never compare yourself to others, and to always judge yourself against your own prior accomplishments.
Comparing current results to past ones will keep you moving forward. If you start to think that you’re always winning, this is a red flag that you need to do a better job of taking risks and giving yourself challenging goals. Before you can give yourself a stamp of approval, make a list of things that need to be improved. This detailed approach is likely to keep you so busy on yourself that you’ll be unconcerned with how you stack up against others.(1)
RULE #5: DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU DISLIKE THEM.
Nowadays, we have a clearer understanding of the fact that people are indeed born with aggressive instincts, and must learn how to become kinder, gentler, more “civilized” adults. After all, you likely remember how vicious kids on a playground can get.
It’s really up to parents to make sure their naturally aggressive youngster learns how to be a well-adjusted adult, which brings us to the fifth rule: parents need to be more than a friend – they need to raise a responsible and likable human being.
Children are aggressive because they have the natural instinct to push boundaries so they can find out where society’s lines are drawn. So a parent must be firm and decisive in drawing those lines.
So let’s look at three key methods for good parenting:
The first is to limit the rules. Too many rules lead to frustrated kids who are constantly hitting barriers. So limit things to a few basic, easy-to-understand principles, such as don’t bite, kick or hit anyone unless in self-defense.
The second is to use the minimum necessary force. Effective and fair discipline can only be applied when consequences are made clear. The punishment also needs to “fit the crime,” which means it should only be as severe as necessary for a child to learn not to break the rule again. Sometimes a disappointed look is all that’s needed; other times it might be a week without video games.
The third is to come in pairs. Children are clever and will try to get their way by playing one parent against the other – so a unified front is important. Also, every parent makes mistakes, but if you have a supportive partner, you’ll be likelier to notice and catch those mistakes.(1)
RULE #6: SET YOUR HOUSE IN PERFECT ORDER BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE THE WORLD.
Consider your circumstances. Start small Have you taken full advantage of the opportunities offered to you? Are you working hard on your career, or even your job, or are you letting bitterness and resentment hold you back and drag you down? Have you made peace with your brother? Are you treating your spouse and children with dignity and respect? Do you have habits that are destroying your health and well-being? Are you truly shouldering your responsibilities? Have you said what you need to say to your friends and family members? Are there things that you could do, that you know you could do, that would make things around you better
Have you cleaned up your life?
If the answer is no, here’s something to try: Start by stopping what you know to be wrong. Start stopping today. Don’t waste time. When you know that you have left something undone, you will act to correct the omission. Your head will start to clear up, as you stop filling it with lies. You will then begin to discover new, more subtle things that you are doing wrong. Stop doing those, too. After months of diligent effort, your life will be become less complicated. You will move more confidently into the future. Perhaps you will then see if all people did this, in their own lives, the world might stop being an evil place.(2)
RULE #7: PURSUE WHAT IS MEANINGFUL, NOT WHAT IS EXPEDIENT.
How many people pursue pleasures every day that aren’t in their best interests? And how many are unwilling to make sacrifices that are in their best interest?
One of the side effects of seeing the world as a pit of despair is that it makes it especially easy to justify a life based in immediate pleasures that will make it more bearable. Plus, if it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad, right? This is the logic behind binge eating and drinking, drug use, sexual debauchery and other self-harming behaviors.
The other side of this argument is sacrifice, the kind that brings better things in the future by giving up something now. This goes back to ancient times, where tribes would put food aside to make it through the winter or to help those in the community who couldn’t hunt or farm.
Now, you might think this is a simple concept and something that most people already do. After all, we sacrifice our time to go to work and put in hard hours now so that we can take a vacation later on or relax on a beach in the summer.
But this goes deeper than sacrificing for your personal gain; there are big and small things we can sacrifice for the greater good, and the bigger the sacrifice, the more rewarding it can be.
In other words, stick with something and be ready to make sacrifices to reach your goal, and you will be rewarded.(1)
RULE #8: TELL THE TRUTH, OR AT LEAST DON’T LIE.
The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that you could measure the strength of a person’s spirit based upon how much undiluted truth they can tolerate. While truth is often considered a valuable commodity in our culture, we nevertheless tell lies all the time. One of the main reasons for lying to ourselves and to others is to get what we think we want. The Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler called these life-lies, and they’re characterized as the things we’ll do and say to turn a poorly-thought-out goal into a reality.
These kinds of delusions often go hand in hand with our ability to fool ourselves into thinking we already know everything we need to know. This is an especially foolish perspective to have, since it shuts off our natural desire to learn and grow.
But worse, and far more evil, things can happen when you’re living a life-lie and unwilling to recognize the truth. In John Milton’s epic poem, Paradise Lost, Lucifer is portrayed as a reasonable character, but one who becomes too proud and enamored with his talents – so much so that he and his followers are kicked out of heaven for daring to challenge God’s ultimate truth.
You don’t need to give up each one of your ambitious goals, but you should be flexible so that your goals are realistic and reflect the truth. So, as your understanding and worldview changes, so should your goals. And if your life is off track, it might be time to challenge the current truth you’re following, the one that has you feeling weak, rejected or worthless, and reaffirm your personal truth so that you can get back on the right track.(1)
RULE #9: ASSUME THAT THE PERSON YOU ARE LISTENING TO MIGHT KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T.
When you engage in genuine conversation, it should be a similar process to thinking. Thinking things over is essentially listening to yourself as you explore two sides of an issue. So, in a way, you’re creating your own internal dialog, which can be difficult since you need to accurately represent both sides while also remaining objective in your conclusion.
This is one big reason why people talk to each other, so that they can more easily present the two sides of an issue and come to a conclusion. However, conversations often don’t go this way. Instead, one person – or perhaps both people – will refuse to listen and treat the dialog as a competition they need to win, in order to validate their preconceptions. So, rather than hearing what the other person has to say, they’ll be thinking about what to say next or act like it’s a contest of one-upping each other.
An easy tip for being a better conversationalist is to listen and then summarize, or recap out loud what the other person just said. This serves multiple purposes: it helps assure that you’ve heard things correctly, while also helping it stick in your memory; it also reduces the likelihood of distorting or oversimplifying details in order to suit your side of the conversation.
Sometimes the truth hurts, and it’s painful to take in information that means you have to change your ideas and preconceptions. But this is the price you pay as part of the beautiful process of learning and growing.(1)
RULE #10: BE PRECISE IN YOUR SPEECH.
We can’t be thinking of everything all the time – the world is far too complex for that, so the mind simplifies things and makes it easier for us to get on with our lives. However, every once in a while, something can happen to shatter our conception of the world and make things seem chaotic.
Think of the word “car.” You know what a car is right? It’s a vehicle that gets you from point A to point B. But when this vehicle breaks down halfway between A and B, do you know the precise ways in which a car works? Can you pop the hood and fix this piece of complex machinery?
There’s a good chance that when your car breaks down, you feel primal urges to curse and maybe even kick the car for not being such a simple thing anymore. This is what happens when things get complex and chaotic, so in order to recover, you must reestablish order by clearly and precisely explaining what went wrong.
The same thing needs to happen when your body breaks down and you get sick. There could be any number of problems going on, so you need to tell your doctor the precise symptoms. Does your stomach hurt or is it a fever? Did it begin after you ate something? What was it? By being precise, you can restore order and take steps to start feeling better.
Precise language can make your relationships run more smoothly as well. Does your partner do something that bugs you, like failing to clean up after themselves? The sooner you’re honest and precise with them, the easier life will be.(1)
RULE #11: DO NOT BOTHER CHILDREN WHEN THEY ARE SKATEBOARDING.
Of course it was dangerous. Danger was the point. They wanted to triumph over danger. They would have been safer in protective equipment, but that would have ruined it. They weren’t trying to be safe. They were trying to become competent—and it’s competence that makes people as safe as they can truly be.
When untrammeled—and encouraged—we prefer to live on the edge. There, we can still be both confident in our experience and confronting the chaos that helps us develop. We’re hard-wired, for that reason, to enjoy risk (some of us more than others). We feel invigorated and excited when we work to optimize our future performance, while playing in the present. Otherwise we lumber around, sloth-like, unconscious, unformed and careless. Overprotected, we will fail when something dangerous, unexpected and full of opportunity suddenly makes its appearance, as it inevitably will.
Girls can win by winning in their own hierarchy—by being good at what girls value, as girls. They can add to this victory by winning in the boys’ hierarchy. Boys, however, can only win by winning in the male hierarchy. They will lose status, among girls and boys, by being good at what girls value. It costs them in reputation among the boys, and in attractiveness among the girls.
Consider this, as well, in regard to oppression: any hierarchy creates winners and losers. The winners are, of course, more likely to justify the hierarchy and the losers to criticize it. But (1) the collective pursuit of any valued goal produces a hierarchy (as some will be better and some worse at that pursuit no matter what it is) and (2) it is the pursuit of goals that in large part lends life its sustaining meaning. Competence, not power, is a prime determiner of status.
Men enforce a code of behavior on each other, when working together. Do your work. Pull your weight. Stay awake and pay attention. Don’t whine or be touchy. Stand up for your friends. Don’t suck up and don’t snitch. Don’t be a slave to stupid rules. Don’t be dependent. At all. Ever. Period. The harassment that is part of acceptance on a working crew is a test: are you tough, entertaining, competent and reliable? If not, go away. Simple as that. We don’t need to feel sorry for you. We don’t want to put up with your narcissism, and we don’t want to do your work.(3)
RULE #12: PET A CAT WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER ONE ON THE STREET.
This final rule is mainly autobiographical and Peterson tells us about tragedy and pain. When tragic things are in front of us and we’re powerless, we must keep our eyes open for those little things that make life worthwhile. The title of this chapter is inspired from the author’s experience of observing a local stray cat and watching it adapt to its surroundings in a harsh environment.
When you feel that your life is screwed up there is a way to make it easier to handle until you make it back on your feet. That is to shorten your temporal horizon. Stop thinking about what’s going to happen in the next months. Think about what and how you can improve today’s day or maybe just the next hours. Shrink the time frame until you can eventually handle the rest of it and this is how you adjust to devastation. It’s very important to not give up. Even in worst situations, even if you’re at a place you’d rather not be, always try to look for what’s meaningful and worthwhile.(4)
By following this rule, you’ll be sure to embrace life and appreciate every good thing that comes your way. You’ll also be sure to see yourself through the tough times, even when they’re prolonged. This is the best attitude to have.
Remember, there is no day without the darkness of night, just as there’s no order without chaos. There is suffering in life, but it’s also what gives meaning to our perseverance and makes the moments of peace so rewarding.
And maybe when you are going for a walk and your head is spinning a cat will show up and if you pay attention to it then you will get a reminder for just fifteen seconds that the wonder of Being might make up for the ineradicable suffering that accompanies it.(1)
(1) www.lifeclub.org/12-rules-for-life-jordan-b-peterson-review-summary
(2) www.grahammann.net/book-notes/12-rules-for-life-jordan-peterson
(3) 12 Rules For Life Jordan B. Peterson